We Should Get Together: Ask For Help and Be a Better Listener
Acts 4:32-35
Now the whole group of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one claimed private ownership of any possessions, but everything they owned was held in common. With great power the apostles gave their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all. There was not a needy person among them, for as many as owned lands or houses sold them and brought the proceeds of what was sold. They laid it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to each as any had need.
The Book of Acts is all about the early church building community and when they build community, they go all in. They own everything in common, they give up private ownership (which is not the part most of Christianity takes literally or seriously) and they share with each other according to their needs. Just in case you were not sure that sharing according to needs and giving everything you have wasn’t really important or was just a metaphor, there is a story of greedy folks getting smot-ed or smit-ed by God. One couple sees this peace, love and happiness as an opportunity for their personal enrichment, they trick the community by keeping some of their possessions and use the community for their needs at the same time.
This genuine sharing is why they grow, its why they matter to each other and there are boundaries around it that require wholehearted and authentic participation. There is no room for gaming the system, no room for dishonest consumption and there is no room for half-hearted generosity. This practice and theology obviously didn’t mix with the Roman Empire or any Empire to follow, it doesn't fit with Feudalism or Capitalism or any other ism very well. Which is why 2000 years later, this story in Acts seems as much like a fairytale as Cinderella.
This level of sharing and compassion seems unreal. 2000 years later finding the roots of our church in this intensive community seems strange and foreign, to be honest it was strange and foreign when the book of Acts was written. These early followers of Jesus are weirdos. They are not just praying together and meditating to be self actualized, their very practice of faith disrupts the economy. That’s why Rome keeps trying to kill them. Sharing is caring but sharing everything is suspect. So maybe we are not prepared to go full monastic here, sell our possessions and live communally but maybe there are steps we can take to explore how to practice this faith of giving and receiving in community.
This work requires us to get more comfortable with needs, both helping others with needs and naming our own. We don’t often want to name our needs and perhaps sometimes we don’t even know them right away.
One struggle is our modern social skills or our lack of them. We do much better writing an email or a text when we are not sure how to mend a relationship, name our pain, course correct or even apologize (like actually apologize). We walk away from relationships rather than work through difficult emotions. We just ghost folks and maybe even our honest selves.
“Conflict resolution can be especially uncomfortable for anyone who is scared to share unrehearsed thoughts in real time, and our devices make it so that we don’t have to. Jack Shriner, the psychotherapist…disciplined one common way that device dependency becomes especially pernicious when conflicts arise. “When facing potential conflicts, people feel safer typing out a five page thesis about what their disagreement is, preemptively touching on every possible response that the other person could have. Technology makes it easy to hide. You can type it out so you don’t have to experience uncertainty of an actual conversation. This is not a healthy coping strategy , nor one that fosters the trust, vulnerability and honesty that are necessary to maintain a healthy friendship.” (Vellos p. 210-211).
We can practice having hard conversations, listening and making sure we have heard and then beginning to share our honest feelings. This means not gaslighting someone's feelings and it means not offering an apology you don’t really mean. Vellos offers tips on how to have hard conversations and how to get better at listening. All of this invites us to know your needs, our feelings and our agendas just as much as it requires us to practice listening.
As we get better at listening we may still struggle with having needs and asking for help.
“Throughout human history, people have had to be constantly and cooperatively involved with each other-to hunt and prepare food, to build shelter, to raise children, to care for the elderly, to learn and be entertained, to overcome adversity, and to celebrate triumph. Staying alive through the ages has been a constantly humbling practice of enlisting other people’s help and getting involved in whatever they’re trying to accomplish too. Today millions of people feel like they don’t have anyone to lean on-not for the big life stuff nor for the small things like navigating the world and making day-to-day decisions. I mean thinking about it: if you live in a modern city and have a credit card and an internet connection, you don’t really need to ask anyone for help… it's like we are in a face to prove that we can make other humans unnecessary.` (Vellos p. 220-221).
Reciprocal care is part of relationships that matter and that can be impossible if we refuse to ask for help. Mutual support and care is where our relationships grow deeper. It’s where we become fans of each other, it's where we are vulnerable, it’s where we don’t suffer alone and it's where we are fans of each other.
This is what the early church did, they listened to needs and shared what they had. Needs were sacred and gifts were sacred. Everyday life was all they had, it's all they could share. They could not give out estates or favors like an emperor or a high priest, all they could do was listen, discern and work to meet the sacred needs they shared together. They did this with honest boundaries, not to take advantage of the community or use one another. They did this with guidance about hospitality and how to wait for everyone to come to the table to feast. They did this with trial and error and in the end that is the very heart of our faith.
May it be so. Amen.